Im at strip club and am horny
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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