Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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