I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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