so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
