im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
