I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My vagina is very pro this idea
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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