apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
