i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
