i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
