True but thats because hes a fetus.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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