I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
