In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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