ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
