You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
