just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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