One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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