I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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