I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
