grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
