i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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