My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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