Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
