it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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