I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
