A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
