If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Shame - the story of my life.
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