Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
