either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Let's get the cat blown out
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
