You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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