Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
