you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
