Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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