Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
