haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
