I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You are the jesus of drinking
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