I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
