I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
birth control should be required to get into college
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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