man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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