Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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