At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
