2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize