He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
