i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
