frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
