Betty ford says i'm here all night
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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