OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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