this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
