At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
