I have demons in me.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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