What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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