I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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