Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
