I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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