i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
