I'm really into asian looking animals
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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