My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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