can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
