My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
