My room smells like vodka and shame
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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