I checked into jail on foursquare
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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